HEINUS – FORT LAUDERDALE  Bank of America has filed suit against itself more than 110 times in Florida mortgage foreclosure cases. One example: on March 29, 2012, in a foreclosure matter filed in Palm Beach County, Bank of America is listed as plaintiff and Alegandro Caro, Nicola Revell and Bank of America are listed as defendants.

According to press reports, top management of Bank of America is unhappy with its legal teams and that fact that these staff lawyers are losing half of their cases. Mikhail Vaspachrey, vice president of Bank America for legal affairs says if this trend continues there will likely be a shake-up among Bank of America staff attorneys. “We pay these guys lots, you know? Vaspachrey said. “And is winning that is important to top bosses. If law staff cannot win cases, even when both plaintiff and defendant, then perhaps we show them special door.” Vaspachrey, a former Russian special forces commander, refused to expand on his comments.

Sydney Matta, a legal professor at the University of East Florida said it was unusual for corporations to expect legal teams to win cases when suing themselves. “I’ve not seen a lot of success in this area,” Matta said. “But there is currently a law in Congress that would make ‘too large to fail’ banks automatic winners in any case where they sued themselves. Unless losing provided them with a superior tax position, in which case the bank would automatically lose, too.”

(Old Miami Courthouse image by SebasTorrente, Bank of America tower image by Jleon)

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HEINUS – NEW YORK  Edvard Munch’s famous painting of modernist angst, “The Scream,” has sold for a record $119,922,500 at Sotheby’s auction house in New York City. The painting is the most famous of a series of paintings produced by the Norwegian painter in the late summer of 1893. The other artworks in the series were also available for sale at a variety of outlets.

The Grimace – egg tempera on board – sold at Christies in London for $35,670. Private buyer was not announced.

The Snarl – watercolor on ibex hide – sold at Bonham’s & Butterfield’s in San Francisco for $17,580. Buyer was rumored to be Dick Cheney.

The Knit Brow – motor oil on cotton briefs – sold on ebay for $134.50. Buyer was Mick327 (Ebay super user).

The Pursed Lips – tea stains on rye toast – sold at Berthold’s Bath & Spa in Oberammergau, Germany for $3 and a wheel of Tilsit cheese.

Aunt Elke’s Intermittent Twitch While Preparing Pickled Herring on A Summer Evening – kvass paste on salmon scales – still available for purchase at Subway Sandwich store #321, just off exit 6 of the Major Deegan Expressway, NYC. Must buy a sandwich, no loitering; shoes and shirt required.

(auction image by Chris 73)

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HEINUS – SAN FRANCISCO  In a recent announcement, Mark Zuckerberg urged FaceBook users to designate themselves as organ donors. FB insiders say, however, this public announcement is just the first step in an effort to get users to play the online service’s newest game.

The game, called “Harvest Casino,”and will involve betting on the outcomes of random events and tests of knowledge and skill. But instead of purchasing chips for betting, players will put up body parts as “player collateral.” Should a player’s score dip below a set minimum, they will become eligible for a monthly “Live Harvest” drawing. If a player’s name is picked that player will  surrender a designated body part. Facebook spokesperson Claudia Meissel stresses, however, that players will incur no medical expenses. “Many of these procedures will be on an outpatient basis,” said Meissel. “Players will not be billed for any costs associated with Live Harvest. And they’ll receive a free medical checkup.”

Winning players will have the option of converting their winnings to a variety of forms: cash; coupons for online shopping with major retailers like Macy’s, Bass Pro Shops and Plywood World; Facebook stock; group Rolfing sessions with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg; and steep discounts on fresh body parts.

(Casino image by Raul654, lottery machine image by katorisi)

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HEINUS – LOS ANGELES  Film director and adventurer James Cameron has announced a space resources company called Planetary Resources that will not only mine asteroids for precious minerals but will make films in space. Google Inc executives Larry Page and Eric Schmidt are also investors in the new firm.

In addition to asteroid mining, Cameron says the new company wall also make films in space. “This is an opportunity to do some really new, cutting edge, cool stuff,” Cameron said.

According to sources at Planetary Resources Cameron’s first space directorial effort will be unlike anything ever seen. The film will be shot in 4D at 100 frames per second and star Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet and tell the story of a space ship that hits an asteroid while on its maiden voyage. “We’re not sure audiences are ready for anything this fresh,” one source said.

(James Cameron image by Steve Jurvetson at http://www.flickr.com/photos/jurvetson)

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HEINUS – NEW YORK  The Pulitzer Prize Committee has decided not to award a Pulitzer for fiction this year. According to experts, this is just the start of what will likely be the least awarded year in recent history. Marty Delvecchio, an international prize consultant who has worked for the Pulitzer, Nobel, Peabody and HeadCheese America awards organizations, says the lack of a winner for the fiction Pulitzer is just the beginning of a lackluster year in prizes. “You couldn’t give prizes away this year,” Delvecchio said.

Some of the special awards that likely will not be awarded in 2012:

Nobel Prize for Physics – According to Delvecchio, the Nobel Prize Committee in Oslo is “still pissed” about the Japanese meltdown at Fukushima. The prize committee blames physicists for the Japan reactor debacle and for smartphones. It will not name a winner until somebody, in the words of one judge, “gets off their ass and figures out how to get energy from dirt or something.”

The Al-Gaddafi International Prize for Human Rights – Given annually since 1989, stewardship of the award is up in the air since the death of the Libyan leader. Several well-known people have been approached to take over administering the award, including Dick Cheney, George W. Bush and Victoria Beckham, but all have declined due to scheduling or reading comprehension issues.

The Geraldo Rivera Excellence in Broadcasting Prize -  Rivera lost control of this award in 2006 after a prolonged court battle with Glenn Beck. But the prize will likely fall dormant this year. According to insiders, even Beck believes that giving the award to himself for the 6th straight year might be excessive.

The Mao Zedong People’s Insurgency Award – Another long-running prize, instituted by Mao while on vacation in Vietnam in 1952, the MZPIA is not expected to be awarded in 2012 as there are no Marxists insurgencies “doing important work” right now.

(Nobel committee room image by Hans A. Rosbach, Victoria Beckham image by LGEPR)

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HEINUS – LONDON  After a live grenade was found in a Easter egg hunt in Holford, Somerset, U.K. officials have leveled a nationwide ban on egg hunts. Associate Home Secretary Gerald Ooverhoust said that while the Home Office applauded the sense of fun inherent in British social gatherings, the introduction of grenades and other ordnance into egg hunts is likely unsafe. “In addition to the grenade in Somerset, we had reports of anti-tank mines in Newcastle, tear gas canisters in Norwich and nuclear homing torpedoes in Ullswater,” Ooverhoust said. “We think that these may be the wrong way to liven up an Easter egg hunt. We’d certainly prefer some additional time to study the issue.”

According to Ooverhoust, other traditional celebrations may also be curtailed. He cited National Tea Time, which has reportedly devolved into widespread overconsumption of tea along with lengthy bouts of tennis and snooker tournaments; St. Crispin’s Day, during which there have been numerous reports of nudity and blindfolded operation of automobiles; and the Cooper’s Hill-Cheese Rolling Event where contestants have been using strapped-on rockets in attempt to arrive at the bottom of the hill prior to the arrival of the cheese round, but which have led to a number of malfunctions, including leaving one contestant stranded in orbit before being rescued by the International Space Station.

(Easter egg image by Karakal, Cooper’s HIll image by YoLeArno)

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HEINUS – OTTAWA  The Canadian government has officially retired the penny coin as too expensive to produce and no longer economically viable.  Canadian deputy assistant Finance Minster Denr’y Dolhomme said the penny was pretty with its maple leaf design but that it had become a national embarrassment. “Most citizens don’t want to be seen with it,” Dolhomme said. “People deny they have them, even when you thrust your hand into their pockets and pull out a wad of pennies, people say ‘how did those get there?’”

Needing to make further budget cuts and emboldened by positive public reaction to eliminating the penny, the Canadian government has announced additional items that will be phased out.

Labrador - The province will reportedly be sold to Sir Richard Branson, who is planning to base the world’s largest herd of reindeer there. Branson’s Virgin Santa company will reportedly rent reindeer to North Americans during the holiday season and also provide meat for the company’s planned Santa’s Chimney fast food restaurants.

Neil Young – The singer’s Canadian citizenship will be suspended and he will be required to return his Order of Canada award. Young’s popularity has required Canadian authorities to maintain a 24-hour guard on the Youngtown Museum in Omemee, Ontario, where Young lived as a child. The government estimates that it spends up to $347 dollars (Canadian) a year in paying private security firms and local Cub Scouts to watch over the museum. Further, the return of the Order of Canada medal will allow the government to award it to another recipient more willing to make infrastructure improvements. “We’re speaking with a Russian billionaire or two right now,” Dolhomme said.

Ministry of Immigration – Dolhomme says the Immigration Ministry has a vast bureaucracy with hundreds of offices all over Canada, but that only seven people applied for Canadian citizenship last year. “At that rate, we have decided to close the immigration offices and save money,” Delhomme said. “If you want to live here, come ahead. We’ll take anyone, even Americans.”

Dogs – The costs of cleaning up after dogs and replacing worn turf in public parks has become prohibitive, says Dolhommme and the government says it will saves millions (Canadian) by declaring dogs illegal. “Dog feces doesn’t just clean itself,” Dolhomme said. “It’s very expensive to pick up, disinfect and then dump into level five toxic landfills.” According to Delhomme, dog owners will have a six-month period to train their dogs to use public restrooms. The Department of Inland Game and Wild Sanitation will employ specially-trained inspectors who will administer dog restroom tests to ensure compliance.

(Labrador fjord image by Gierszep, Neil Young image by Andrea Barsanti)

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HEINUS – LONDON  A robot has successfully performed prostate surgery in Manchester, U.K. The robot completed the surgery in record time and medical authorities are saying this could lead to a marked increase in robotic procedures. Dr. Stobart Fremenee, chief of thoracic surgery at Dingley Park Hospital in the Belgravia section of London, said that robot surgeons might be able to handle most routine surgical chores. “I think this could have a large impact on patient care,” Dr. Fremenee said. “Especially on nice days in the spring, summer and even the fall — er, before winter rules that is.”

The robot, which goes by the name of PC-31, reportedly petitioned to join the exclusive Albion Chalk Golf Club. PC-31 was denied membership even though the club is a favorite of medical doctors, with several prominent surgeons on its rolls. Delbert Sloat, membership director of Albion Chalk, says PC-31′s not making the list had nothing to do with his being a robot. “We have come a long  way from the times when we wouldn’t admit women, Irish and greengrocers,” Sloat said. “Now, there are no discernible bars to membership. We did not admit Mister PC-31 due to the membership being currently full.”

Geddy Maclooghan, a lawyer representing PC-31 claims that Albion Chalk has misrepresented its list and does have room for his client. “They could let him have a go, if they like,” Maclooghan said. “But it’s clear their kind don’t like robots. Specially not mechanical devices what is designed to cut round inside folks.” Maclooghan has threatened both legal action and to make nude appearances near the front gate to force the club to admit PC-31.

A long-time member of the Albion Chalk club who spoke on condition of anonymity said it wasn’t an issue of discrimination. Members weren’t opposed to PC-31 because he was a robot, but rather that “as a member of the medical profession, he would naturally want to spend most of his time playing golf. If we let PC-31 join, then other surgical robots would wish to join and that might make getting a tee time a bit sticky for the rest of us.”

(golf clubs image by Tbmurray, surgical robot image by Nimur)

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HEINUS – CHICAGO Buildup of foam in hog farm manure pits has led to explosions that have destroyed entire hog barns in the Midwest. While initial reaction from agriculture companies was cautiously negative, many agribusinesses are reversing their stance on hog farm explosions with the realization that the heat from the explosions resulted in perfectly cooked the pork meat suitable for sale.

When the animals returned to Earth, they were found to be fully cooked and freshly smoked. Carver Cutchins, Jr., director of new business for AgriSlant, one of the nation’s major hog farming operations, said his unit was moving forward with what AgriSlant sees as a new fast food opportunity. “We think the public is going like this pork,” Cutchins said. “It comes back to earth just as delicious as can be.”

AgriStack is planning a new chain of fast food restaurants named “Heavenly Hog Landing.” According to Cutchins, natural gas will be used to power the explosions rather than methane from pig feces. Cutchins expects no problems getting FDA approval for the restaurants. “The only wrinkle we can see is getting flak from the FAA if we place restaurants near airports. Hog carcasses in aircraft flight paths might an issue.”

Other industrial animal rearing operations are said to be watching AgriSlant closely to see if the barn explosion business is profitable. PolderMark, a major chicken producer, has reportedly blown up several chicken barns in tests.

(smoked pork ribs image by Dennis Brown)

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HEINUS – NEW YORK A recent post to the Publisher’s Weekly blog announced that the average novel contained 64,000 words and detailed the word counts of famous novels. Some of the word counts listed:

“Slaughterhouse-Five”

47,192 words (64% of books have more words)

“Brave New World”

64,531 words (50% of books have more words)

“The Adventures of Tom Sawyer”

70,570 words (45% of books have more words)

“Moby-Dick”

209,117 words (4% of books have more words)

“War and Peace”

544,406 words (0% of books have more words)

But now researchers at the Brest-Litovsk Institute for Advanced Study have announced the results of a study that shows reader’s perceptions of word counts become skewed as word counts increase. Principle Investigator of the study, Dr. Dean Wormer said that current physics could not fully account for the phenomenon.”This is an area in need of more study,” Wormer said via a translator.

As people read longer books, the books seemed to get longer still. One participant of the study said when he started to read War & Peace in August 1991, he could easily pick up the book and even read it while walking down the street. But as time went on, the book became longer and bigger. He could no longer even lift the book, but had to leave it on his kitchen table. By the fall of 1998, the book had become so large that it broke through the table and plummeted down three floors to the basement of his apartment building.The man had to go down to the basement to read it. Eventually, the book became large and heavy enough to force its way underground where it disappeared forever in the spring of 2002.

Wormer speculates that there must be some “dark words” affecting the word count. “These dark words appear to be similar to the dark matter that fills the universe but cannot be seen,” Wormer said. “Teenagers seem to be particularly susceptible to this effect. Naturally, this explains why young people and many adults shy away from long books. It could mean that War & Peace could become completely unread in our lifetime. Until we know why this is happening, we believe writers should write shorter books. We recommend no more than 150 to 175 words.”

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