politics Archive

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    Security threat identified, Secret Service making DC changes

    HEINUS – WASHINGTON  Following groundbreaking research, the Secret Service, a security arm of the U.S. Department of the Treasury, claims to have identified the most dangerous security threat to the U.S. government and is issuing new regulations designed to counter it. Secret Service associate deputy...

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    FBI agent crashes Ferrari – official misconduct rampant

    HEINUS – DETROIT An FBI agent tasked with moving a Ferrari automobile seized as a result of an investigation, crashed the car, totaling it. The FBI is refusing to reimburse the insurance company for the cost of the vehicle. According to sources, this type of...

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    Woody Allen admits he is also Alan Greenspan

    HEINUS – NEW YORK  Following the release of the BBC documentary “All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace” by Adam Curtis in which Alan Greenspan figures prominently, film director Woody Allen held a news conference at the Federal Reserve building and admitted he and...

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    Rejected code names for bin Laden

    HEINUS – NEW YORK Some native Americans were reportedly offended by the White House’s use of ‘Geronimo’ as the code name for Osama bin Laden during the Navy Seal Team 6 hit operation. Geronimo was the name of a 19th century Apache chief who resisted...

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    NATO controls Libyan air campaign, Facebook will sponsor

    HEINUS – BRUSSELS  NATO will assume control of the UN Security Council sanctioned air campaign against Libya officials announced. In a groundbreaking move, NATO Secretary-General Anders Fogh Rasmussen also said NATO was bringing the social networking giant Facebook in as sponsor and has given the...

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    Firefighters rescue plastic swan from pond, fulfill new law

    HEINUS – ULM After a passerby noticed a swan apparently stuck in a frozen pond, 25 German firefighters in the town of Straubing in Bavaria braved thin ice to rescue the swan. That the swan was made of plastic made no difference to firefighting officials....

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    James Cameron forced off Avatar II, joins Mubarak in exile

    HEINUS – LOS ANGELES  Emboldened by events in Egypt, members of the Directors Guild of America (DGA) staged public demonstrations against ‘King of the World’ film director James Cameron calling on him to step aside. After several days of intense pressure, Cameron agreed to relinquish...

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    Saudi Arabian oil running out says Wikileaks cable, Saudis scoff

    HEINUS – RIYADH A U.S. diplomatic cable released by Wikileaks claims Saudi Arabia is overstating the country’s oil reserves and that production will peak by next year before rapidly falling. The Saudi Arabian oil ministry was quick to counter this assertion, however. “Saudi Arabian oil...

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    Intel admits to defective chip, Mubarak blames chip for miscues

    HEINUS – CAIRO  Microprocessor manufacturer Intel Corp. has admitted that a recently released computer chip has a serious design flaw that can cause it to malfunction. Intel has reportedly shipped eight million of the chips. Ibn al-Nadim, a spokesman for the embattled government of Egyptian...

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    Cat ordered to sit on jury, shows growing trend of pet service

    HEINUS – BOSTON  Suffolk Superior Court in Boston, Mass., has ordered a house cat named Tabby Sal to serve on a jury, even after the cat’s owner claimed the cat “knew very little English.” A jury commissioner replied that the cat “must attend” on March...

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