Special to HEINUS by Eden Baylee – TORONTO [Editor's note: This special report comes from Canadian correspondent Eden Baylee, who went undercover at a snowshoe factory in West Nipissing, Ontario, to observe working conditions and management policies at this key industrial site. While working as an employee for CrunchLite Snowshoes, Baylee was named head of the union negotiating team and was also promoted to management as senior vice president of reindeer sinew supply.]
Canada is the first country to institute the controversial “Slap Upside the Head” workplace policy effective immediately. The policy applies to companies with at least 1,000 employees but will be expanded to smaller businesses by 2013.
The new policy is a welcome change after years of adhering to 100% non-violence for all employers and workers.
A study published by the “Assessment Regulators and Standards for Employers” (ARSE) revealed the old policy had created belligerent employees who, for the most part, had become lazy, uncooperative, and showed no respect for their superiors.
Under the new rules, supervisors can now administer slaps under strict conditions preceded by the verbal warning, “It’s SLAP TIME!”
Slaps must be applied open-handed and no contact with the face, ears, or neck is permitted. Managers and supervisors are to receive a one-day “hands-on” training course which will cover:
- the specific area of the head where contact can be made
- the technique of slapping with varying degrees of pressure
- how to slap regularly and consistently without injuring oneself.
Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada was quoted as saying “This is a win-win situation to improve the productivity of this country and help create more obedient workers.”
The USA, U.K., and Japan are looking to Canada for guidance in re-establishing their own “worker physical encouragement” laws.
Guest poster Eden Baylee is a Canadian-based writer who specializes in erotica — provocative stories incorporating all her favorite things: travel; culture; and sex. Sometimes there’s romance, sometimes not. Sometimes there’s a happy ending, sometimes not. What is consistent are the multi-dimensional characters who grow and change as the stories progress. She loves to laugh and witty wordplay is one of her favorite past times. Free free to connect with her via her website at www.edenbaylee.com.
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It could work . . . perhaps I’ll institute a trial policy here at home so I can fully assess the benefits for myself!
Sessha, based on the studies done by ARSE, we should have done this years ago. Our nation is now run amok by employees who have a serious “sense of entitlement” – from free donuts, to free Tim Horton’s coffee.
As SVP of reindeer sinew supply, you can’t believe how tough I’ve become!
Thank you for commenting, and I agree with you that “worker encouragement” laws should begin in the home.
eden
Thanks, Sessha. Please file a complete report on your findings!
Eden’s got excellent journalistic abilities.
Thanks, Helen. Yes, she really knows how to chase down a story, even while wearing snowshoes.
Hmmm… yes I can see the benefits to this. Shall practice on the hub and let you know.
Thanks for the comment, Patti. Eden has raised some important management/labor issues, here. She’s such a policy wonk.
Patti , hmmm,,,on the hub, eh? I think it could work – please keep me posted. (hehe)
eden
Helen, thanks for your compliment.
Satire can be wonderfully erotic. After all, a great laugh is sometimes as arousing as a great orgasm.
eden
I had no idea you were the SVP of reindeer sinew supply. Interesting. Now I understand why you were spanking Max at the PJ party. You were practicing.
Great post, Eden.
Spanking at the PJ party? Hmmm. There’s more to Canada than snowshoes, I gather….
You know it Tim…it’s the wild wild West here sometimes! This policy is long overdue!
eden
Yes Casey, I sometimes get a bit carried away. Though slapping upside the head is reserved for workplace discipline…in my personal life … sometimes other parts of the body need stimulation.
eden
I’m still laughing. What a great post. But I must protest. This particular expression of incentive to do better has been in non-corporate settings for years in the South- U.S. South. It does sometime escalate– missing teeth, ect.– but it is a proven means of increasing production.
My hats off to Eden. And I encourage any slaps she may wish to apply– to me. You are a woman of many talents in the world of writing! I’m sure you could find other ways to increase productivity.
Truly, I do admire you and smile when your name appears.
Tim, you’re weird– but funny.
Thanks, Dannie. Eden is easily the best guest correspondent Height of Eye has ever had! She has a future in satire and snowshoes, if she so desires.
And weirdness is something you can cultivate by extensive practice with the vibra slap http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vibra_slap.
Dannie, you are a hoot ! Missing teeth…hmm, that may be going a bit too far. I don’t advocate too much force, just something to jar an employee’s mind back into action.
Yes, Tim is a bit strange, but that’s what I like about him! Always a pleasure to see you Dannie!
eden
I think the PM of Canada attended Dame Slap’s school – it comes to the top of the Magic Faraway Tree occasionally – there they know that it takes a damn good slap about the ears to get things under control…
Thanks, Michelle. A PM needs the ability to administer a good slap.
Michelle, Oh my goodness, I’m a graduate of Dame Slap’s School ! We may have been in the same class!
Thanks for commenting here, lovely lady!
eden
Loved the article! While most of us may think of this, we lack the courage to just get ‘slap happy’!
LOL! Love the article!! While you have put into words what some of us lack the courage of carrying out so, I say, let’s all get ‘slap happy’! Give me a high five!
Thanks MLforty – I couldn’t agree more!
Happy slapping makes for happy employers, and eventually … happy employees. All -around one big happy workplace family!
eden
Truly fun. My favourite moment might have been the spit-take I had when I read the acronym “ARSE”.
j. //
Jason,
Yes, the acronym is slightly acrimonious. Originally, the organization was supposed to be called C.R.A.P. for Canadian Regulators & Assessors for Proletariats , it’s already used for Canadian Retired Association of Pensioners.
I think ARSE beats CRAP any day, don’t you?
eden