Addressing the British Science Festival in Birmingham, Dr. Guy Consolmagno, the Vatican’s astronomer said he would baptize space aliens if given the chance. But the knotty task of determining how to best communicate with aliens falls to the Vatican’s Office of Alien Catechism, headed by Father Adelbert Vandendierckx. According to Father Vandendierckx, thinking like an alien comes naturally. “Well, I am Belgian,” Vandendierckx said. “So that helps tremendously.”
Father Vandendierckx has studied all of earth’s languages and feels very confident he can quickly make sense of an alien tongue. “It’s all symbols and sounds, really. So as I understand it, if you move the squiggles around, eventually they should be able to make some sense of what we’re saying.” To assist him, Vandendierckx has an agreement to share computer time on the University of Bologna’s supercomputer, a Pininfarina-designed Gray-1947. “They told me I can have the entire block of time from 0300 to around 0325 every morning, except for Thursdays when they play online poker.”
Vandendierckx also attempts to fulfill his role by conducting thought experiments. For example, Vandendierckx tries to re-imagine the miracle of the loaves and the fishes involving space age materials, such as nuclear fusion warp drive reactor fuel and dehydrated protein powder. For inspiration, Vandendierckx spends much of his time in his cramped Vatican office watching science fiction films and acting out bible scenarios using Star Wars and Lord of the Rings action figures. “Luke Skywalker has such a messiah complex,” Vandendierckx said.
Vandendierckx is particularly proud of computer graphics software anonymously donated by one of Hollywood’s largest CGI firms. “With this software you can input the parameters of virtually any alien life form and it will redraw an image of the Sistine Chapel ceiling but with God giving life to the aliens instead of humans. It’s quite remarkable. I think it will be a game changer when it comes to winning over the hearts and minds of space aliens — provided they have hearts and minds, of course.”
(UFO image by dimcho dimov)
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